For the first time in my life, I have consistently been experiencing great disappointment. God has opened several exciting doors these past few months, but just as soon as they opened, they would close with full force. With each phone interview or e-mail, my expectations for God to finally work everything out in my favor slowly die.
God has never failed me in the past. Throughout my life, in trial and tribulation, God swiftly intervened and blessed me with instant gratification.
Not this time.
My desire to be cared for has grown, yet as opportunity dissipates and phone interviews slow, my doubt and frustration start to take over. Quickly, lies have spewed its venom into the frontal cortex of my mind – God is teasing me, God has forgotten me, God is punishing me for squandering my time/money/education. I forget the Truth and I forget what it means to let go and lose control. I forget that with great expectations come great disappointments.
When I was in college I struggled with control, which resulted in an eating disorder. Things got so bad that I enrolled myself in out-patient therapy and worked with a psychologist and a nutritionist who helped me see how control was controlling my life. It took my entire senior year to overcome my issues, but with countless hours of therapy, a food journal and Prozac, my mind changed and my desire to control everything and everyone sifted away.
One of the hard lessons I learned was the concept of expectations vs. standards.
Expectations are our own wants and desires projected on another person. Often, we expect others to act/be a certain way, but we have no control over the outcome. So, when your boyfriend doesn’t act the way you want him to act, you are left with misplaced hurt and disappointment. We cannot control expectations.
Standards are the wants and desires we can control. You want to go to college. Your standard for education is what you can control – study for tests, do the homework, get good grades and get accepted into the college you want. These are controllable factors.
Expectations often disappoint. Standards often succeed.
It’s the difference between understanding what you can and cannot control.
It’s so difficult for us to let go of the desire to control everything, to always be in the know, to have the ability to keep one hand in every area and aspect of our life. We forget what it means to live by faith, to allow God to take care of us, and to sit back and trust that He will work everything out in accordance with His good and perfect will.
Yes, I have been feeling great disappointment throughout the last few months, but I’ve been faithfully following our Heavenly Father. As I continue this journey with no sense of what’s to come, I rejoice in knowing that God is holding me in the palm of His hand. He does have a good and perfect plan and for whatever reason, He is requiring me to follow Him blindly, not knowing the outcome of this chapter in my life.